Hard to believe it's already been my second Mother's Day without a mom! Now, being motherless, Mother's Day is more of an annoyance than anything else. Between all the sappy Mother's Day commercials on TV, and the countless articles in the media, I sometimes wish I could just zip through to Monday! People who still have their mom's just don't understand. Haha!
My mother was an amazing woman, but not for the reasons that the outsider's naked eye would be able to see. If you were looking at her from an external standpoint, she was a well-known control freak, a perfectionist, and sometimes an overbearingly loud woman! Because of these things, we often butted heads. She and I had quite the love/hate relationship for a long time. That tends to happen when you put two strong-minded women together in the same room or house. We constantly fought because of her need to control my every move and thought, and it wasn't until later in my life that I understood her need for so much control over everything.
My mom came from a very controlling, strict household. Her father was an alcoholic who favored her brother trememdously. Her father would constantly tell her she wasn't good enough at anything and compared her to her brother all the time. She carried this resentment toward him into adulthood, and I never really got the impression that she moved past that. Grudges became the norm in our household, rather than forgiveness.
I too had resentment towards my mother for a long time, quite similar to the generation of my family before me, however I knew I had to be the one to break the cycle. My mom was very set in her ways and I didn't see it happening with her.
Soon later, my mom's days would be numbered during her bout with leukemia. Luckily, we had made our peace with each other about 4-5 years before this, and I had decided to stop trying to change her into something that she wasn't. Forgiveness was in order. During her days in the hospital, I realized that it wasn't in her nature to be the nurturing mother-type that I always wanted. She was born a fighter, grew up a fighter, and ended her life as a fighter. She always had to be the "strong one". When I was little she had to be the father and the mother to me on many occasions. This couldn't have been an easy task for any woman. Once my mom and I stopped trying to change each other, we were able to cohabitate as friends and confidantes.
Now, as I look back on the relatively short time I had with her, I can look back and be proud. Even though it was hard for her to show me her love in the nurturing way I wished she would, I know that deep down the love was there. Sometimes we just have to accept that, for some people, their love for you gets held under the blanket of their own fears. Fears of vulnerability, showing weakness, etc.
I will always look back on my mom as a woman of strength, perseverance, and heart. I have learned a lot through her mistakes. I have learned the importance of letting people be who they are, and not who I think they should be. And that it's okay to cry and tell people how you feel about them....who cares if people think you are weak! TRUE strength comes with being true to who you really are, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to share that with the world. Much love and respect to you, Mom! R.I.P 8/7/09
